How does someone become 450 lbs?

Ha!  Dedication, total and complete love of others before your damn self, and LIFE bitch-slappin' you at every turn!  I fondly reminisce about what it was like to weigh 220 lbs after my son was born.  Geez!  Twenty three years ago feels like yesterday.  I was seemingly in such good shape despite the added bonus pouch.  Mama Hippo danced, worked a physically demanding job, and played at every turn.  Before I knew it I was going through divorce #1.  Okay, sometimes life's a bitch.  I managed just fine...although a few friends of mine seemed to disappear.  Oh, well.  I became a vegetarian and started dating again.  It was good for Mama Hippo to get back out there.  One man taught me how to truly accept a compliment.  I learned quite a bit about self-confidence during that time in my life.  Then I turned to a familiar face for love and excitement...my baby brother's best friend.  Well, that was a tough one to explain.  I mean, we were only 3 years apart, but he WAS my brother's best friend.  I was happy though.  My new love was like a big kid.  He taught me not to be so serious all the time...to LIVE life.  Unfortunately, after 10 years and another child, he was STILL a big kid.  Living life is one thing, but it can't be all fun and games ALL of the time when you have responsibilities.  During those years my weight fluctuated.  I'd balloon to 300 lbs, get upset about it, and lose the weight.  Well, it seemed like every time I lost 50 lbs or so I'd find out I was pregnant again (yes, we used protection) and I'd have to stop whatever "diet" I was on.  I worked my tail-end off back then, and I didn't know I had an incompetent cervix, so I miscarried.  It wasn't until I gave birth to two preemies (who ultimately didn't survive) that I found out about my condition.  Just before I lost my second daughter, my second husband, our two kids, and I moved back in with my folks.  It was really rough because I also worked for good ol' mom and dad.


Sooo, for anyone reading this, I guess it wouldn't come as a huge surprise to find out that my second husband and I split up right around that same time.  By this time my son was going through those maddening teenage years.  Oh, joy!  I was a single Mama Hippo with an insane, teen-aged son and a daughter just starting kindergarten.  Life was a little crazy!  And then the bomb dropped.  I won't go into detail here, but I lost my job...and you can imagine how the living arrangement was.  By this time I was STARTING to realize I had given so much of myself to friends and family, I hadn't taken the necessary time and effort to just take care of myself.  I decided to go back to school.  I wanted a fresh beginning.  I was ready to grab life by the horns and ride, baby, ride!


Anyway, I tried to get on track...only to find myself homeless.  Life just kept getting  tougher, and there was no bail-out.  I could not give anyone anything anymore.  I didn't have anything left to give.   Oh, I had a friend or two who tried to help me, but it wasn't like they totally understood my situation...or my pride.  I had always been the "strong one" so how could I break down now and say, "You aren't helping me the WAY I need to be helped!"  After all, I wasn't even sure HOW anyone could help or what help I really needed.  So, after some time, I managed to clear the air with the folks and I moved back in for a time.  I jumped between their place and a friend who  lived seventy miles away.  It was what it was.  Of course I ended up falling in love   with my best friend (the friend who lived seventy miles away), but that's another story for another day.


After some time I managed to get an apartment, but not before crashing my car.  No  car, but a roof over my head.  By this time, I was barely scraping by.  I could only   afford to eat starches and bologna for protein. Hey, starches are cheap.  It's the starches that kill me.  I started gaining weight like it was going out of style. Hungry, hungry Hippo!  Sure, I tried to keep walkin', but it's really hard when your whole body hurts so much and your muscles just can't keep up with your weight.  I won't talk about the pain right now.  


So, at some point, I managed to have a little income so I could afford to eat what I   needed to eat.  I lost 50 lbs in those 5 weeks!  Unfortunately, I've gained all that back plus because, once again, I can mostly only afford starches.  I can hardly walk.  My muscles cramp and spasm all the time and I'm afraid to walk outside where I have nothing to hold on to.  If I should fall, I'd have no way of getting up...not to mention that a fall could cause permanent damage.  A fall could very well leave me bed-ridden.  I'm hoping for a miracle.  I'm hoping to figure out a way to get a little income so I can buy a treadmill.  I'd also love to have enough money to be able to eat lean proteins, veggies, and whole grains.  Ooooh, I'd just be in heaven to be able to eat like that.  By the way, when I was younger, I was a dancer, involved in a variety of sports, and a fitness fanatic.  I certainly did NOT understand how a person could ever allow themselves to get this big...and now, here I am.  This is how a person becomes 450 lbs.